On fairness

Sitting across from a dear friend in the late afternoon drinking a pint in the Valley Tavern, we found ourselves in one of our many existentialist conversations about life. A little background - we don't normally go for afternoon pints, but it seemed fitting after finding out that there would be another surgery.

She said so many things that afternoon that stuck with me, but the one that I feel compelled to write about today in this blog is on the topic of fairness. In her mind, 'fair' is a word like 'guilt' - it is one of those feelings that no matter which angle you look at it, there isn't hope for a positive result.

And as the week continued, and moments of 'fair' crept into my head, I thought about ways in which I could embrace 'fair'. I tried thinking about fairness from the perspective of the classic Native American saying, "Don't judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins"-- that maybe there is a way to see things as truly fair, so long as you are thoughtful about the other person whose 'fairness' you are evaluating.

But as I tried to do this, I realized there are so many variables to consider in interpreting fairness from the multi-faceted perspective. If we were writing an algorithm, it would look a lot like the Big O notation - too many options to possible reach any sort of rational measurement for fairness.

And so I thought about relativity - that perhaps fairness can be measured from one perspective in isolation of another. In any given context, a 'fairness' value can be derived.

But what does it actually mean to feel that something isn't fair? How does one justify this feeling when there are so many other people in circumstances far worse than our own? At what point is life truly unfair for one person over another? And what the heck does this mean? What good is it to come to that conclusion?

So I think she is right, my friend - fairness is like guilt - there is nothing productive in holding on to it.

But then I remember back to those days as a child, when my father worked very hard to teach me the value of 'being fair'. It still holds very true in my heart that I need to treat people with a sense of 'fairness'. That I need to have balance in the way I approach others. 

Can I let go of the expectation that others need to be fair to me, and even more importantly, the disappointment that I feel when they are not? Is it possible to be fair outward while denying oneself the same measurement on the receiving line?

The very meaning of 'fairness' depends on equilibrium, or does it?