Dreaming and writing

Last night I had the reoccurring dream that so many of us have - the panicked-i-am-in-finals-but-don't-know-what-i-am-doing dream. In this most recent version, I was attending a range of classes, some science, some math, some literature, some creative writing, and I couldn't remember which classes had finals and when, and if there were papers due in various subjects, what those papers were on. It occurred to me in the dream that I wasn't even sure if I had attended any classes on the subject matter, couldn't figure out why that was, and now was trying to prepare for finals.

Any readers care to share your own versions?

The weirdest part of the dream is that I realized some way into it while still in a subconscious state that I had long ago graduated from college and had recently finished my MA. Why was I back at Berkeley doing undergraduate work? In my mind, I was trying to figure out if it was going to be OK to not count the failed exams since I already had my degree, and could use the cut-off point before I decided to take more undergraduate classes (for reasons unknown).

Since waking up and throughout the day, I have thinking about why this dream keeps reoccurring and if there are connections between the different versions. I have had this dream before, and it has been marked by major (and very much tangible) events, like finishing my dissertation, going back to work after maternity leave, moving back to California.

There are two events that could have triggered the most recent. The first is that today I started back to work after the winter break. You would think this is an obvious trigger as my career has triggered the dream before, but usually in the peak of a release or before my annual review. Just before Christmas, I reached a series of significant deadlines and the next batch aren't until February/March. There have been changes going on in terms of my role, but having the much needed winter break has helped me get my head around them in a clear, positive way, so why the panic dream?

The second event that could have triggered the dream has to do with my New Year's Resolution: I have promised myself to work hard towards the first draft of a novel idea that has been with me since Amelia was born. Could it be that my own personal writing could be triggering a sense of panic and what the heck does that mean?

I know in my heart of hearts that I want to write this novel, that the idea is starting to take shape, that I have it in me to do this. But I also know that I am pulled in lots of directions and I am nervous about how I will stay committed to something so intangible, something without pressing deadlines and consequences that could affect more than just my self-esteem.

This is the first time the dream has been about something very internal. And it has taken me by surprise - that maybe this novel, the writing of it, is pressing on me in more significant ways than I had anticipated. It isn't about projection anymore, a fantasy that I am happy to leave in some far-off, unknown time in the future, when I am not so busy with regular life. I am feeling the weight of it, to work towards this goal. I am anxious, wondering if I am prepared and/or naturally capable enough to see it through to completion, and with some measured success, i.e., something other than total failure.